hold my hand.

first she gazed into the mirror
then she quickly looked away
fear had gripped her heart in terror
that that look had come to stay
tears unbidden streaked her make-up
pain had surely made its mark
and she sat alone in silence
weeping till the sky grew dark.

'tell me why, God! i trusted You!
O Father, tell me why!
my existence must displease You, Lord -
if so, then let me die!
I`ve no wish to be a Christian
I`m resigning, Lord, I`m through!
and i`ll give back my salvation
if it`s all the same to You!'

lightning she expected
sudden death at least, or more...
but no sound broke through the blackness
save her heart's own deafening roar
'don`t You hear me, God? i`m quitting!
i can`t live the life of praise!
i`m a failure, Lord, a loser!
this is where we two part ways!'

still no answer came from Heaven
though she wailed and sobbed and wept
when the sun`s rays broke the darkness
in exhaustion then she slept
while tossed and turned in restlessness
the Lord God sent a dream
saying, 'child, I`ll not abandon you
no matter how you scream!

'for I gave My Son to save you
and He shed His blood for thee
thou art Mine, now and forever...
you mean all the world to Me!
I`ll not give you up, no ever...
though you let go of My hand
I know well how rough thy path is...
yea, I fully understand.

'My own Spirit dwells withing you
and He`ll lead you on your way
till you`re safely in My arms
till you are Home at last to stay
so, child, you see, it`s not the fact
that your hand`s holding Mine...
it is I who hold you fast, child...
it is My hand holding Thine.'

if you want me to - ginny owens

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to

CHORUS:
Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley

If You want me to

*sigh

i hate it when you guys do this to me -.-
bixler + winnie.
you`re getting yourselves pretty high up there on my hitlist.
just thought you two should know.

Heart Beats

More per minute when I'm with a certain very tall white guy, -a---- --x--r. Age isn't a boundary to love is it?

life

You are good.

i havent felt peace like this in such a long time.
:]

cant think of anything witty

i loved being spoon-fed information and scrupulously but mindlessly taking down notes and sitting there for 4-5 hours doing homework that was assigned on the "homework board" [thats no doubt due the next day] and not having to think for myself .

yea, there was a hint of sarcasm there, but im pretty sure this is one of those things that i really do wanna fall comfortably back on. im terrified of new things, ive always been taught to "follow the rules" and thingsll be okay in the end because i did it right. but i remember how frustrated i was when other people asked me if i could do something and/or go somewhere and my answer would be 'i dunno, ask my parents' . this "i dunno" became such a .. default answer for everything that soon, my mom got frustrated that i couldnt even decide what color shirt to buy because of how shes always decided for me in the past. [then i would get frustrated with her for being frustrated with the way i was brought up etc, but different story :P]

then college came around.

i love it. but i hate it so much. that im so afraid of doing anything because its not something ive ever experienced. but its so exciting. [guy readers, sorry. girls experience many many emotions at once. i hate it too :P] and college brought about people in my life that make me question the things ive grown up with. a lot of things ive always taken as truths, i found out didnt have a foundation at all, other than the "because i said so" from wherever ive learned it.
college is great. ive learned so much more in the past 2.5 years of my life than from jhs/hs . and ive actually had to make hard decisions that i couldnt get out of. and ive had the support and pushes that were necessary for me to get there.

its amazing. Gods constantly pushing me further than ive wanted to go. but thats what being taken out of your comfort zone means. and ive slowly but surely started to realize that.

thinkings always been something i do too much if anything. its the deciding what to do with it part that Gods amazingly shaping.

goodness. first post in 2 months. and im not sure i understand what i just wrote :]